The Things We Do
by conventgirlvampire
Summary: They are made of music, movement, blood and words but it is only love that makes them feel alive deep in their souls. A story about four girls and how they come together to live and love. Faberry, Brittana
1. Stupid

**Title:** The Things We Do to Stay Alive in the Darkness Around Us

**Chapter:** 1

**Characters/Pairings:** Rachel, Puck, Brittany

**Word Count:** 1,950

**Spoilers:** Up to the end of Season 2, AU Season 3

**Summary:** They are made of music, movement, blood and words but it is only love that makes them feel alive deep in their souls. A story about four girls and how they come together to live and love.

**A/N:**Another idea, this one really random. This and the next three chapters are really just sort of intros and it'll be about 17 chapters in all. Please review and tell me what you think.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. Never did. Neither do I own the song _Stupid_ by Sarah MacLachlan.

* * *

**Chapter One**

**Stupid**

She moves with a fluid grace her body is unfamiliar with but it does not matter, not really. All her life she has planned everything out to the point of being too invested in her future to stay in the present. That thought is nothing new to her but the desire to stay in the present for once? Yeah, that is the scarily new thing and she has no idea what to do with it.

Her body is like liquid as she dances, for once not thinking about it. She wonders if this is how Brittany dances, without a single thought in the dancer's head as she moves. She nearly snorts at the idea of the blue-eyed dreamer being thoughtless. Most people would choose to interpret that to mean that she thinks she is stupid, but she knows better. Brittany is far from an idiot and never fails to remind her of that whenever she forgets it. The fashion fiasco of their junior year and the girl's campaign for student body president can attest to that.

No, she concludes, Brittany is smart but she does not think about her movements while dancing – the best dancers never have to and Brittany is one of the best she's ever seen. She just goes with the feelings she gets and lets them take over until her movements are filled with a fire and passion rivalled only by what she feels for her fierce, more protective other half.

She thinks it is unfair that the two cheerleaders get to have that but she cannot deny that they belong together, just like she once believed that of her and…

* * *

She stumbles on a basic pirouette, her grasp of the rules of balance falling through her fingers as she feels the cold slippery dread of failure take her over. She has felt this way before but never like this, never at this level where it literally hurts to try. She knows why it is there but even now she is afraid to face the truth.

NYADA or OSU?

New York, Broadway and her dreams hinge on the choice she needs to make and soon. Her applications to both have been sent but she cannot have what they both represent as much as she wants to. It is impossible to have both and yet she wants them together. It is too much but, then again, she has always wanted too much. She has just never realised how hard it would be to have it.

"_He won't stay by your side no matter how much you want him to."_

The words of warning run through her mind before she can stop them and again she wonders why the speaker tries so hard to separate her from her boyfriend when neither one of them can see past the other.

It has always been like this, the two of them forever orbiting the other, even when he was not in the picture. That is how it has always been and she wonders when it had begun. After all, even when the other had been living a different life they had still managed to find each other and take comfort in that fact, though even then they had never been friends.

Just once, she lets herself wonder why that is. Just once.

* * *

The chorus of Sarah MacLachlan's _Stupid_ floats though the air as she moves, carrying her to a place that was not there. She let it take over her body and just went with the flow for once, relaxing the muscles of her body that were forever tensed.

The words hit her close to home but she refused to give in to the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes. If she let herself cry then she would only let herself think again and she did not want to think anymore. She just wanted to be.

She wanted to feel something other than the apathy she now felt with Finn. With time had come wisdom for her. Before, she had felt some kind of infatuation for the boy but it was never strong enough to last. It never would have led to more except she kept pushing for more. There was never any deep subconscious reason for it that she repressed out of fear.

No, Rachel knows exactly why. She was just too afraid of being alone in life. Her personality, or what it always appeared to be, is just a defence mechanism built up after years of being bullied. It is, in her opinion, always better to scare people away and avoid the pain than to let them in only to be hurt again. At least, that is what she tells herself when the fear becomes too much for her to handle in the dark of the night.

So she pursued Finn, reasoning that her infatuation with his voice would be enough to build a relationship with him. She ignored all the warning signs, the incompatibility that seemed to mar them whenever they were together, the glaringly obvious logic that indicated why they were not meant to be; she ignored it all just so that she would never be alone.

Still, she always found herself back at a dead-end, staring at eyes the colour of morning light when it filtered through green leaves telling her that she would never find the happiness she needed so very much.

* * *

_How stupid could I be_

_A simpleton could see_

_That you're no good for me_

_But you're the only one I see._

There are days when she wants to scoff at the chorus of the song, days when she wishes she could point out exactly how ridiculous the notion is that it presents, but she never can. She knows better than anyone around her exactly how true those words are.

Sometimes she wishes Noah is the one who comes to mind whenever she hears the song. It would be so much easier for her if he is the one she thought about constantly. Her mind would be at peace knowing that he genuinely likes her enough to give them a chance should she ever propose it.

He is everything she ever wants in a friend – sweet, charming and always there for her. Sure, she will be the first to admit that he is a disgusting, sex-crazed pig most of the time but there is always so much more to him, so much that he sacrifices all of the time.

"You're thinking too much princess," comes the soft whisper as the object of her thoughts walks through the door. "Stop thinking."

"What?"

She falters and nearly falls but he catches her in time. His arms wrap around her waist tightly, preventing her from kissing the studio's wooden floor in surprise. He always did have that kind of effect on her.

"You said you wanted to dance like Brittany but you head keeps getting in the way of your ass." He chuckles lightly at his own words and even she has to admit that he has been unintentionally funny. "Stop thinking and just be Rach. I've danced with B already and I know that that's exactly what she does."

"I know!" comes her frustrated reply as the song nears its inevitable end. "It's just…I can't _stop_ thinking."

"Then let me help."

His hands slip to her hips and he starts to guide her movements as the opening lines of the song start again. She tries to move against his wordless instructions but he just pulls her closer to him.

"Just relax, Rachel. Let your control go."

She forces herself to do as he says and melts against his body, her head falling back to rest against his hard chest. Noah says nothing, content to just hum his approval of her actions.

Their movement is sensual but there are no hidden meanings or agendas behind it, only raw sexual power and grace. It is everything she ever saw in Brittany's movements and everything she wants there to be in her own. For a few moments before the spell will inevitably end she is free, she is someone other than herself.

"Sometimes," she whispers into the near-still air as they lay on the ground half an hour later when she has finally turned off her iPod, "I wish that I'm not me. I wish that the one person I saw was someone else too."

Noah sighs at her admission. "Changing yourself is a big thing but you don't have to, ya know?"

"What if I want to?"

She turns to look at him in order to read his expression better. "Puck" may have been the moronic bad boy but "Noah"? Noah is her rock and her mental sounding stone. His brow furrows as he thinks about what she has just said but he does not speak just yet.

"Noah…"

"Don't change yourself for a stupid boy, Rach. Finn may have been my bro once but he treats you like crap. If you're gonna change yourself then do it for you."

Rachel does not reply to this. Instead, she just launches herself at him, engulfing him in a hug that knocks the wind out of him.

* * *

Rachel's next session in the studio finds her moving more freely as that song finally comes to an end yet again. She still has one person in mind but this time it is not Finn. It has never been Finn even when she thought it was him.

Oh she is stupid, naïve and too trusting. She knows that. What she does not know is the reason why. Everyone tells her to give up, that the other person is not worth it but she just cannot bring herself to do it.

Her obsession will be her downfall, she knows that, but she is not ready to rid herself of it just yet. Her body craves more of it everyday even though she has never had the pleasure of that person just yet.

"You've gotten better."

Her head snaps to the side and coffee-coloured eyes met blue as the taller girl walks in. Dropping her bag to one side, she moves to the bar to warm-up, not even caring that Rachel is still there. She will just dance around her if she has to.

"You've seen me before?" She moves to stand next to her, dance routine completely forgotten. "When?"

"All the time. You're in here before me, so usually I just go hang out somewhere else or I watch you sometimes. You're like a kitten trying to walk most of the time but sometimes you're not."

"I'm sorry, Brittany, but what?"

"A kitten. When they're born they try to walk and stuff but their legs are too skinny and small so it's not always good to see because they aren't big enough yet. Sometimes that's what you look like when you try to dance like me. Then sometimes you're not like that because you let yourself relax and then you look like an adult cat because you're more fluid and graceful."

"Er…thanks, I guess?" is her only response as she tries to work out what Brittany just told her. "That makes sense, I think."

Brittany waves her off and goes back to warming up. Rachel, however, just smiles as she gathers her things and leaves. They may have screwed each other over during the last few months but it is still good to know that the other girl is still fair enough compliment her, or that was what she hoped the general idea behind their conversation is. Maybe one day they can be friends too and, if that is possible, who knows what might become of her and another, shorter blonde.


	2. Behind These Hazel Eyes

**Title:** The Things We Do to Stay Alive in the Darkness Around Us

**Chapter:** 2

**Characters/Pairings:** Quinn Fabray, Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce

**Word Count:** 1,280

**Spoilers:** Up to the end of Season 2, AU Season 3

**Summary:** They are made of music, movement, blood and words but it is only love that makes them feel alive deep in their souls. A story about four girls and how they come together to live and love.

**A/N:** Hello kind readers. Have you accepted Faberry and Brittana as your OTPs for _Glee_? Yeah…I'm really bad at that. Anyway, here's an update. Feel free to tell me how horrible the writing style is. I actually cringed while typing and editing this because old fic is old but I wanted to update badly so here it is.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. Never did. Neither do I own the song _Behind These Hazel Eyes_ by Kelly Clarkson.

* * *

**Chapter Two**

**Behind These Hazel Eyes**

She has not danced like this since middle school and it feels weird to move without the aid of choreography telling her where to put her feet, telling her what to do with her hands. It is stiff and uncoordinated, her movements strange to see in the mirrors surrounding her.

She does not bother with music, the song filtering through her mind, chorus on repeat. It is eerie how it describes what she feels, never-ending emotions always coming back when she does not want them too.

* * *

_Here I am, once again,_

_I'm torn into pieces;_

_Broken up, deep inside,_

_Just thought you were the one_

Is it really so hard to love her? Is she really so difficult to care about? Is she really that worthless in everyone else's eyes, so much so that they are willing to ignore her? Are they so willing to forget that she had to give up her baby, that she has lost her daughter?

She trips over her own right foot and falls, mind too preoccupied to notice that one side of her body has not caught up with the other. It frustrates her that even now she cannot stop thinking, cannot clear her mind long enough to just be free.

* * *

_But you won't get to see the tears I cry_

_Behind these hazel eyes_

For the first time since she had spoken to Rachel that day in the auditorium she allows herself to cry, the tears falling silently as the truth of her solitude hits her. She will not cry in front of anyone, but here, where she is alone? She is all too willing to let it happen, to let it go.

She thinks of Finn then, of all the ways they had seemed so right for each other and of all the reasons they were so wrong. Sometimes, they seem so similar, as if there is no dividing line separating one from the other in order to keep the rational side of her from knowing what her heart is truly telling her. Other times, they are different people and she finds that those are the times when she knows herself least and knows him more.

There were times when the similarities would outweigh the differences and her heart would get through the barrier around it, and it was in those times that she knew that her boyfriend was slowly breaking her without remorse. After all, they both knew then that he would never look at her the way he would look at Rachel.

That is not what hurts, though. She can get through that pain. What hurts is when he starts to take Rachel's future away from her. Instead of a guiding light that will bring her out of her own darkness, she is forced to bear witness to the fading of a star as all her hard work and destructive denials are destroyed.

It breaks her completely.

* * *

She stumbles over her feet again and again, never able to replicate the same move twice. It is as if her body is telling her to give up while her mind keeps telling her to try. All it results in is pain.

"You look like you need help."

She turns at the sound of Santana's voice, confused for a brief moment. She may be her best friend but Santana does not often offer her services willingly. There is always a price to pay, one that Quinn is never willing to give.

"Yeah, I guess I do."

Her own words surprise her. She never accepts anyone's help, always content to be on her own just so long as she is seen as untouchable. She hates that feeling but it keeps her safe from judgement, safe from getting hurt. At least, that is what she tells herself when she needs to force both her mind and her body to continue on this path.

"Do you even know why this isn't working Q?" Santana circles her as she speaks and she can feel the other girl's eyes on her, analysing and dissecting everything she sees. "You're not you. You're trying too hard to be something you're not so it stopped coming to you."

"What are you talking about S?" She is confused, not sure if Santana is referring to her dancing or something else entirely. "I'm not trying to be someone else."

"You are and you don't even know it. For someone who applied to Yale for drama you suck at emotions."

"What would you know?" She cannot help herself. The urge to lash out is too much, the need to protect her secrets from this girl who sees too much, almost as much as Rachel does, is too overwhelming. "Weren't you the one who told Brittany that fucking you while she was still with Artie was okay since it was 'different plumbing' because you refused to deal with you own feelings? Weren't you the one who said that sex wasn't dating because you were too much of a coward?"

"Don't talk about that!" Santana pushes Quinn hard, slamming her against the mirror. "What do you know about that anyway? You were too wrapped up in yourself to ever notice anything that wasn't about number one!"

"I was the one holding her while she cried about you every night for weeks!"

"What?" Santana stumbles away, stunned. "What the hell are you on about?"

"Brittany never stayed the night at Artie's. She almost always showed up at my place after." She picks up her bag and moves towards the door. "I don't know why I even bothered to help. It's not like you guys were ever there for me when I needed you. Friends forever? More like you were just waiting for me to fall like everyone else was."

* * *

_Swallow deep and spit me out_

_For hating you I blame myself_

_Seeing you it kills me now_

_No I don't cry on the outside anymore_

It is not a love born out of hate. It cannot be because she has always loved first the girl whom she has tormented for so long, just as she has always loved Lucy. No, it is hate that stems from her love – hate reserved for him, for her parents, for herself.

Looking at her as she stands by her locker with Finn, all Quinn can wonder is how long before Rachel will have the fate she herself is leaving behind, how long until she becomes the same empty shell her mother has become.

That thought alone hurts her heart more that it is already hurting and she forces herself to turn away before it can break even more.

Tanned arms wrap around her waist moments later as her vision fills with a familiar red and white uniform. Allowing herself to sink into the embrace, she lets the tears fall as Santana rubs her back.

"How could I not notice how broken you are?" the other girl whispers as Quinn finally stops holding it in. "Finn, Puck, Sam, your father; they all did a number on you didn't they? And yet you held it all in for so long. I'm so sorry, Q. I'm so terribly sorry."

Another body soon joins them and she finds herself being crushed into Brittany as well. The embrace itself is only mildly comforting but the intent behind it, the knowledge that Santana and Brittany are so willing to take a break from their relationship to take care of her, means more to Quinn than she would ever be able to say and they all know that.

"Don't worry, Q," Brittany murmurs into her hair. "We've got you. We'll keep you safe from the bad stuff, promise."


End file.
